Some thoughts...

Saturday I spent cleaning and sorting (see previous post) and I came across my high school yearbook, which I didn't know I had here. It was strange to find myself having a physical reaction to looking through it. My gut was in a sort of knot. Then I found a box of tapes. Some of them mixed tapes from people in my life. Anyone who has ever gotten a mix-tape, knows the amount of emotion that is tied to that magnetic ribbon. Again, the same knot. I thought about this a lot as I cleaned, and I think I realized that it was a good sign. This time, here and now is where I am supposed to be. The knot wasn't from a desire to "Go Back, and Do it all over" as Eddie Money would sing, but rather a "Thank God I survived" sort of knot. I love my life (most days) and have come to a full understanding that life is about moments. It is a day to day journey. I gave up the idea of planning our future long ago ( oh, about 4 years ago!!) and have learned to roll with lifes curveballs.

However, I do wish I could go talk to that girl back then. I know I did not come into any sort of self-confidence until my mid-20's. I remember feeling unsure and sad and insecure. I know most people feel that way in high-school and maybe college. I am not unusual or unique in that fashion. I just wish I could go back and tell that girl that everything she needs is inside her. I know that sounds all touchy-feely and like a Hallmark card, but it is the reality. Until I had a point in my life to be left alone with my own thoughts, fears, and desires, I didn't have a clue as to myself. And I guess this leads into my fear "What if this is a girl?!?!?!" I am terrified to have a girl. Boys are simple. That is not a negative statement, just my perception of my experiences. I had three brothers. They are more simple. There isn't all this emotion and drama that girls bring to the table. So, How do I raise a daughter with the inner strength to realize that no matter what, she will be ok?? I don't know? How to you raise a girl with confidence? 'Cause it took me 24 years to find that??? I don't know.. these are the things I've been thinking about lately. Yes the little dresses sure are cute, and you can braid their hair and put in ribbons...but then then your babydoll turns 12 and hates you for the next 10 years..... more later.