Motherhood: one definition

A time period in a woman's life, where she will walk through the day with randomly placed stickers on her shirt. They may be in the form of fruit brand (Chaquita) or monster trucks, or princesses, but all were placed there with love, from a small sharing hand... and usually forgotten about, until someone says "Do you know you have an apple sticker on your shirt?" The mother will look down, smile, and reply "yes......"

my struggle to get that which is inside, out.

I've come to the realization that once God creates the 48 hour day, I'll be in much better shape. I am just seriously struggling getting completed, that which NEEDS to be done, much less that which my soul is yearning to express. I know I have things to share, creatively... a lot, that is. However, when to do it? Because something of creative nature, is never a "squeeze it in between loads of laundry and t-ball" thing. They take time. They take pondering, thinking, tweeking.....

A few months ago, when the Hubby and I went to AZ for a few days, I realized that I had a lot to say, to share (not with him per se..... though having uninterrupted conversations was amazing!) Yet, it was the first time in a long period that I had time to sit... and think..... and process thoughts. Anyone who is a mother gets where I am going here. The incessant "Mom!" "Mommy! " I need.........(fill in blank)" "I want.........." is like, well being pecked to death by a chicken. So to sit for a couple hours without anyone speaking to you is almost alarming. I realized, "I can do ANYTHING I WANT!!" and then realized I had no clue what that was...... I picked up a notebook and started writing, and this is when I still have a lot to say, to share, to express...... and now I realize I struggle to find a moment to do it. I fully realize this chaos is temporary, and I will miss it one day. I am not wishing it away in the least. Just taking the struggle in, processing it, and trying to figure out how to slice a bit of time for myself. So once I get the memo that a day will be extended to 48 hours, you will see some rejoicing!!!

Untitled.

The other day I was hanging clothes on the line. The sun shone in my face and the bird, a mourning dove (not a morning dove, as the hubby clarified...) sang. I felt this strange connection to my mother at this moment. Maybe it was standing, doing a task that I had witnessed her countless times doing. A chore, a domestic duty required of her. At that moment I felt that as she did this task, she too was probably filled with thoughts, considerations, maybe even doubts of her role as a mother, a wife, a friend. Not that I am assuming she felt resentful or anything... just that being in that moment, being surrounded by simple beauty of nature and hanging size 6 pants with holey knees and worn out cuffs, I am sure she pondered life, just as I did. As I clipped the little mermaid jammies on the line, I contemplated where I have been, what I have learned, and where life is yet to take me. It is strange how in the most obscure moments, I can feel so deeply connected.

Missing her....

I realized the other day, that I miss Mom more than I realize. I realize that she was the cheerleader in the family. The nosy one, the one who of course checked up on you, and what you were doing. She was.... the mom. We have done A LOT to the house already, and thank God for friends that are curious about the changes! I just know that if she was still alive, I would be getting phonecalls checking up on the progress of the kitchen or flooring or painting, or the big guy in kindergarten or the underling that is permantly attached to my leg............

The friend making has been very slow. I was spoiled in residency with 17 instant friends, who showed up at your door with gifts. Their kids were your kids friends, whether they liked it or not. So, it has been an adjustment...

Now I must go, my Domestic Goddess duties call.......

It's Amazing

The older I get, the more and more amazed I am at how God brings people in and out of your life.

Life happens when you are planning something else...

Holy schnikes! November... November was my last post??!?!?!? That is bad... so anyway, I have realized I need to write more. I need to be creative and put my thoughts that run through my head out there...

So today there was a stray cat in my house. Yup. A stray. Had been hiding in the basement for a couple days. I find that rather creepy. Realizing that another alive being was unaccounted for in the house is a bit disturbing. I discovered him as he tried to snipe the left over mac -n- cheese out of the sink this afternoon. I had been in the basement earlier in the day, and yes, had a feeling of being watched, but chalked it up to the probably high EMF (Check out Ghost Hunters if you don't understand....) field that probably exists in the basement. Nope. It was eyeballs boring the back of my head. The little critter was hiding high up in the corner of the basement. Many calls later, we located a live trap, and thanks to some chicken of the sea, he is now free back in the wild. Hopefully the word won't get out amongst the animal world that I am oblivious to my basement, or before I know it there will be a zoo living down there! Oh, and one last point... how worthless are my own cats for not detecting another of their kind camping out in the basement! Definately didn't earn their keep today!

Reflection

As I have entered my...ehem...mid 30's (gulp) I have come to love myself. I mean, yeah I have my fat days and the days I would give my children to the first passerby on the street for a moment of silence, but overall I feel at peace. I think I was blessed to grasp the "live each day fully, because it could end instantly" thing early in my 20's. Starting out in an ICU seeing teens die because of a freak accident, or young moms stroke or hard working dads be declared brain dead was a cold bucket of reality that life is fragile, and it is not something "out there waiting to happen," but it is now, today. Its the ins and outs and struggles and joys of everyday. I think I got that a while ago. What I don't think I realized would happen, as I got older, is that I would get better. What I mean is I know I am physically and mentally stronger now, than in my mid- twenties. Lighter? No, stronger? yes! (Can't have everything, I guess!) I have learned to never say never. It will come back to bite you in the ass, just to prove you wrong! I have learned to just let go, to roll with life and to truely believe I am not in control of this crazy journey. If someone would have told me on my wedding day, "You are going to move 10 times in 9 years, live in the middle of the ocean, lose a parent, have two kids (but not until you are 30), fall in love with an artform involving a big hot torch, give up your nursing career, feel like a single parent due to the demands of medical school and residency, run a couple 1/2 marathons, and end up back where you took your vows," I think my answer would have been a big fat "Hell NO!" But it has all happened. It has not been easy, but it has all been worth it. I joke that I stopped planning about 7 years ago, back when we took a leap of faith to an island called Saba. A dot in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean. Since then, since believing God has a plan for me, life has been one heck of a wild ride, and I am not looking to get off of it any time soon!